This is a brief recap of the talk that based on the book “The Only Three Discipline Strategies You Will Ever Need” by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller
Chapter One: The One-Minute Behavior Modifier has two stages Planning and Implementation.
Planning is very key it goes like this choose a behavior, give the behavior a name “crying” determine the reason, why the behavior does not work in your family or for you, “we talk in our family when we need something, or I cannot help you if you do not talk with me.” The last step is to teach a behavior to replace the behavior you want to change. With planning prepare a statement to use when the undesirable behavior occurs. Three components of a statement identify the behavior, state the reason, and teach a new behavior.
Implementation, become a first responder know the behavior will not change until you change your approach to the behavior. Don’t wait until it’s convenient, react when the behavior happens. Repeat, repeat, and repeat the statement each time the behavior occurs. Act as if each time is the first. We do not keep score. Try to be nonjudgmental.
How does the one-minute behavior modifier help you become the parent you always wanted to be? Helps you teach, helps everyone give and get respect, helps with communication that does not criticize shame or belittle.
Chapter Two: The Dynamic Discipline Equation.
Learn how to hold your children accountable for their actions and behaviors with love and consistency. You will reduce your stress when holding children accountable, and discover a meaningful way to determine appropriate consequences. We teach cause and effect that their choices are followed by the outcome of what they decide to do.
Choices – help children have a degree of control, help children learn cause and effect. We teach opportunity equals responsibility this formula for holding children accountable in a loving respectful manner. We refer to it as Cause & Effect Connectors --- Choose/Decide/Pick. Teach your children if they choose a behavior they have decided the outcome. This parenting strategy asks you to structure your behavior and your language in such a way that the child gets to be the cause of the outcome he creates in his life. Using the cause and effect connectors to attach a behavior to a consequence is a discipline strategy that puts the child in change of which outcomes occur.
When you use Choose/Decide/Pick on both sides of the equation; children learn over time that they are in control of the outcome. It puts them in charge of which results follow. If you say “When you choose to throw your toys, I’m putting them on the shelf for the rest of the day” it hurts the child from the outside in. It is you doing it to her. She looks to you as the source of discomfort. On the other hand, if your parent talk is “When you choose to throw your toys, you decide to have them on the shelf for the rest of the day,” she has an opportunity to build self-control. It is her doing it to herself.
THE THREE R’S OF CONSEQUENCES
- Make the consequences RELATE to the behavior.
- REASONABLE – follow through with absolute certainty.
- Deliver the consequences in a RESPECTFUL manner.
Speak calmly, firmly, and seriously – “I see you decided this means you have chosen this outcome. Your attitude matters. We recommend that you “don’t care” it is what your children chose and see it all as “perfect”.
Positive Anger Explosion
This technique will allow you to communicate your feelings- without attacking the character of the child or wounding their spirit.
Benefits of Positive Anger Explosion
- Problem is identified.
- Clear feedback about your strong feelings.
- No personal attacks.
- Desired Outcome (described without telling the child what to do).
- Opportunity to develop responsible behavior.